This morning’s walk to the subway station made me think a lot. Thought consists of Black Friday deals mostly but one main important thought was what was I doing with all of this money. I’m not the richest person nor do I have millions stashed away but I have savings and a job.
What am I doing with my money really? Black Friday deals and all the things I could buy but why? I don’t need it, and I seem to be only telling myself I want it because it’s cheap, it will accumulate in my closet for when I think I’ll wear it, or I’m just going to buy it just because. When I thought more into this, I could be doing so much more with my money. Not just accumulating more crap.
We all need to do something to generate some sort of income to prepare for future “retirements,” our future kids, for the experiences we want to live, food, shelter, etc but it really hit me that I shouldn’t be spending my money on just stuff. It is all just things with no meaning to add worth into our lives. The waiting shopping cart in my accounts, the wasted time spent looking and thinking about getting more stuff has really opened my eyes, all of this is just stuff. Yes it may be discounted but by what $3 or more…
I could be using my time and money for more important things.
Going through the 21- Day Minimalism challenge and applying the KonMari Method to my life has given me a lot more space to breathe. After expunging and say thanks to the outdated clothing, crap since I had for years, things I think I would need to use for the future, and it finally hit me. What the “duck” is all of this. Not just the literal things but why was I holding onto so many things from the past and buying more items for the future. What are my values even.
I’ve always been driven in some way. Driven to become financially free, driven to do better than everyone, and driven to outcompete the person next to me in dressing better, having this, know this thing XYZs that I completely forget that I don’t need all of this. I’ve lost my sense of making my own choices and myself.
All these things whether material or this notion to compare myself to others was what was defining me. Finally I can ask myself now hey, who are you and do you even do things for yourself anymore. I’m slowing learning to love myself again, giving myself time, and most importantly focus on what is really important in my life. Not the life I see in others, the stuff they have, the jobs that they do, but for myself.
The process is really slow, but it’s for myself.
I applied the KonMari method last week to my closet. It was extremely nerve wracking and probably the most exciting activity I did in a while. In total, about 10 lbs of clothing processions removed. I asked myself, does any of this stuff even make me happy. I kept so much stuff from 4 years ago thinking that past items can be used for future use.
It was an eye opener. Why was I holding onto so much to the past with these undersized cropped tops, shirts that didn’t fit anymore, and things I wore once based on styles I’ve seen. Why would I even think that I could use this for the future. As I evaluated every piece of clothing I own, I realize a lot of it did not make me happy. I followed trends, what others liked, and realized how clothes even made me understand myself less.
As I proceed with thanking each item that has serviced me in the past, I felt nauseous. Maybe it was from the dust, or finally really relief. I don’t know honestly but I still have half the room left with with my books and miscellaneous items.
Today, marks the first day of November 2018, the last 2 months of the years, and the last 2 months before I turn 25. Mid quarter life crisis already hit me mid-2018. Going through another big change before I turn 25 and stop feeling like I’m running out of time, I’m going to apply The KonMari method to my room. Hopefully this is a better opportunity to learn more about myself and understand better as to why I dwell so much in past and pile up for future.
Looking else where for happiness has always been a struggle for me. Even when I was younger, I always sought out the newest shows, other people’s lives, and my friends as a model of happiness. Wow their life is totally better than mine or damn I wish I could be doing what they’re doing. Feelings of completely giving up or not being good at doing something has haunted me for a very long time. It’s taking a while but I’m starting to find out more about myself and what is making me happy yet I still struggle very much with finding happiness in others.
Everyone needs a break. I took the opportunity to do a two and a half week Europe trip. Things that I’ve learned from leaving that have uplifted me:
1. A Breath of Fresh Air- Sometimes we forget to take a second to look outside of our area. We are so bottled down by our surroundings and feel this is all that we may left until we leave. We breathe the air of the Romans, taste delicious Spanish food, and walk along the beautiful ports of Nice. It’s good to know that’s there much more out there.
2. Exploration- One of my favorite quotes “Not All Who Wander Are Lost” was resonating as I explore various cities of Europe. My mission was to empty out my thoughts and forgot but I as I searched more and more into my soul as I looked and traveled, I realized, I wasn’t here to become rid of what I had back home. It was more of a realization that I should listen like really listen to what am I pressuring and stressing myself with.
3. Relieving Your Soul- Forget, forget, forget, that’s what I told myself for a week until I realized, I’m going to have to go home soon. I’m glad I noticed this on day 3 of the trip and not when I was about to go home. Yes, I can say I forgot about some of the worries that we’re piling up in my life but I realized that if I kept forget or pushing my worries for the next time, they would just continue on a later day. I decided to work with my worries and took the opportunity to find what can make me happy on this trip. When I began feeding my soul, doing exciting activities with my significant other, my worries began less troubling. They’re still worries but my mind was mentally there to deal with them.
4. Do The Things That You Want- This is something that I am very critical and limiting myself to. Before I left, I went into this downward spiral of being stuck and amounting to nothing than my job. I felt like I had nothing to show for my life but my depression and a job I did not want to stay at anymore. When I began to see the world again, I realized, I was the one that made this happen. I worked to get this opportunity to adventure and there is life outside of all this. This calmness that I felt and the serenity of being outside of my cubicle has affirmed more of what for my future. I became limitless (metaphorically).
Continuous rants and worries will always continue, I told myself on my way home. But during this really dark time in my life, I understand there’s so much more and a light as described by all the corny quotes.
It’s sucks, constantly being hard on yourself and letting your thoughts consume you. I really struggle with that all the time. I can’t help always look at the what if’s for the future and have trouble staying in the present moment. One goal for this year is to work on this. I want to stop blaming.
Sometimes or most of the time when I do yoga or take a few minutes to put myself in the realm of mediation… I forget or better yet I can’t tranquil myself at all. All the enormous thoughts rush in and there’s a small me sitting in a room of darkness. The importance of self, it is still such a difficult thing to grasp and feel. I yearn for the moment when I can understand who I am, what I can become, and how to be more aware of me.
Reading The 4 Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferriss is like taking breath of fresh air. It’s been a while that a book or anything can be relatable. Going beyond that, I’m trying not to get stuck again in thought. Let’s keep going!
When you’re younger, you think you’re the most talented person on Earth. That’s what I was thinking when I was 10 years old. Thoughts of: my singing voice is just like Christina Aguilera, can’t really dance but I’m pretty acrobatic, and so many of these pubescent thoughts. I was happy. Now in my mid-20s, I questions everything. Lost, confused, seems like the trend in my blog. It’s has become a chronic problem with new things added on to cover this a bit. Let’s keep on going though…